The true untold story of a braai that went horribly wrong!

All I can say is if Mike Whiting ever invites you to a good old fashion South African braai ........ run far, run fast, and run way long. The following is a true account of one crazy day and night that Darren Ettridge and I spent with Mike and Blah Blah down at the Crocodile River next to Kruger Park ....

It all started when Mike invited us to spend the weekend with him at his great home located above the Crocodile River over looking Kruger. The first 24 hours were terrific and uneventful .... a few drinks, a great dinner hosted by Mike, great conversation, etc.

This was followed the next day by a tour of Mjejane Game Reserve to view the new timeshare and fractional units that Mike is building and selling on this incredible site along the river. So much for the good news .....

That afternoon we decided to go on a night game drive within Kruger. But before we did that we proceeded to stop at a local market for about one hour of "Braai Shopping". While in the market we stopped at every counter and in every isle as Mike and Blah Blah helped educate their two foreign visitors (Darren is from England and I live in Dubai) about the "Art of a Good SA Braai". We spent five minutes debating the kind of steaks to get and another 10 minutes discussing the virtues of the proper chicken kabob sauce .... this was followed by a discussion regarding the proper type of chocolate sauce to go with the ice cream, etc., etc. etc. I thought we were with Jamie Oliver and Rachael Ray the way these two were carrying on about the braai. It went on and on and on, but Mike said, "Rest assured this evening we will have a feast after the game drive". We all agreed that Darren and I would pay for the game drive and Mike and Blah Blah were going to spring for the cost of the incredible braai. Little did we know what was going to happen that evening. With the special charcoal in the basket along with the other 20 kilos of groceries we were set for "A Braai That We Would Never Forget".



Can you find the eagle?





The game drive was great and we got to see a lot of animals ..... Mike and Blah Blah included.

Amarula Cream and Miller Draft beer is where things started down the wrong path.

Darren did everything in his power to do his assigned job properly during the first couple of hours.

He took his assignment so seriously ... Honestly, I think he was just worried about some animal jumping in the truck. He looked like the North Koreans guarding the DMZ. He was on a constant state of high alert. If it were not for the Miller Draft we would have had to give him a Valium!


Mike even tried teaching us all the "Secret Winchester Marketing Password "...... Appleszzzzzzzzzzzzz . Blah Blah was so impressed, can't you tell?






One of the real great "4 legged animals" we saw on our drive ....



Once the drive was over at about 8:30 PM, we were all half in the bag (well maybe 3 / 4) and both Darren and I thought we were headed for the "Braai of all Braais". Wrong ..... Oh how wrong we were regarding this foolish notion. Mike and Blah Blah wanted to stop for one drink at a bar. Within 1 / 2 hour both Darren and I knew that the braai was nothing but a distant dream that had about as much of a chance of happening as winning the lotto in China!



Within three minutes of arriving at the first "pub" (if you could call it that), Blah Blah was dancing on the bar and Darren decided to do the same, but on a bar stool ..... I guess the real party started about then. Dancing on a stool is a bad idea ...... you should have seen him when he tried to "bust a few moves"!


Bar number two and by this time the shots of "whatever" were flowing like the Crocodile River. They had been going for about two hours at this point. There were clear ones, brown ones, green ones and about every colour in between ...... How many, your guess is as good as mine! There is no question that Darren and I were victims here.

At this bar, a guy was doing tattoos. The locals (a "Deliverance" kind of crowd) were standing in line to all get their "ink". No cleaning of needles needed here and several of the completed tats we saw looked like nothing more than black or blue bruises.

By this time, Darren was feeling no pain .... nor were the rest of us. It was now probably 1:00 AM and still no braai in site ...... but we knew that Mike would take care of us when we got back to his place ....

Just a great shot ....... Darren was soaring like an eagle! Can't you tell that Blah Blah was again so impressed!!!!

The good times rolled on and on! I think my legs gave out at this point. It was almost time for my 1.5 hour nap in the car with the engine on and air con going full blast!!

I was even accused on several occasion of being a LOSER (like about 100 + times or more) throughout the night by Darren and Blah Blah ..... I love how Blah Blah has the "L" sign reversed ..... Honest she was under the legal limit!!!

Just a funny shot of Blah Blah - she was three sheets to the wind and counting ..... love this shot!

And I thought Madonna knew how to strike a pose. Darren has got her hands down! This shot was taken right when we bailed him out of jail.

By the time we were ready to leave the 3rd "pub" at about 3:00 AM. Even this cat was looking like it would be a great substitute for "Mike's Braai".

When we got back to Mike's place he served up "His Braai Substitute". Darren had just taken a dip in the pool and as you can see was a "bit taken back" by what he was served.

"You gotta be kidding me .... Is this it?"
Mike was a perfect host. He then also served ice cream and chocolate sauce after our "Braai Substitute". It was "BYOS" (Bring Your Own Spoon).

Thank God, he wasn't in the tank!

Even Blah Blah was mortified and embarrassed by this "Faux Braai".

Braai or no Braai, this was one of the most fun nights in many years. It was nothing short of a "10 Hour Nuclear Party!!

Mike ..... Darren and I have one question. How much money did you get back when you returned all the non used braai groceries?

Seriously Mike and Blah Blah, thanks for an incredible weekend. Darren and I are doing well in rehab and working our 12 step programme to the max and we are even starting to eat solid food now after almost starving to death in SA at your place.

We should be ready for another night like this one in about 6 to 8 years. We both REALLY hope NOT to see you soon !!!!!!